How I know astrology is bullshit

As I was doing the sudoku in today’s Indianapolis Star, my eyes wandered down to the horoscopes.  I swear to Jaysus mine said:

You rediscover your talent for writing.  You’ll impress others.

I literally laughed out loud.

More of the same

1.  I love the list format but I can’t have two posts in a row with the same title.  I have standards.

2.  Every time I go through a McDonald’s drive-thru and they say, “Please pull forward and we’ll bring your order out to you,” because I’ve just ordered so much fast food that even the #1 fast food chain in the world momentarily grinds to a halt, it makes me feel sad.  That spot where you park up in front of the drive-thru is probably the most depressing spot in the world.  It’s where dreams go to die.  And you just know all the other people that get their food and leave are driving past with their noses in the air like “Oh I might wait five minutes for this shit, but I’m just too damn important to wait ten minutes like this miserable fucker here.”  Well guess what, other people, I’m trying to feed a family here.  So you go to hell, other people, you go straight to hell.

3.  After re-reading the previous paragraph, I think it should probably be read in an Andy Rooney voice.

4.  See, what’d I tell ya?  Right?

5.  Sometimes a quick glance at the baby’s legs as I walk in the door after work tells me all I need to know about the kind of day Kelly had:

The really scary part:  I don’t think this even made the top ten list of “things the kids and/or dog did to drive Kelly crazy today.”

Fact and opinion

1.  Maybe I’m a little out of the loop but I just heard the Framing Hanley cover of “Lollipop” last week and my ears are still bleeding.  It’s just awful.  What the hell were they thinking?  What would make someone shit all over a perfectly good song like that?  The rule for deciding whether you should cover a song is simple:  if you can’t do it better, don’t do it.  The Framing Hanley amendment to that rule is:  seriously, just don’t.

2.  In other music news, the Decemberists just released their new album The Hazards of Love.  Hallelujah.

3.  Hilarious, but kinda pathetic too:

At about the 2:45 mark, it gets ugly:

Charles, Barack Obama is president of the United States today because of stupid, ignorant people who think like you do.  You pose — you and your ignorance are the most expensive commodity this country has.  You think you know everything.  You don’t know diddly-squat.

Is that any way to talk to a veteran?

4.  I can’t help thinking lately that I’m never going to be anything more than a parody of my dad.  And fighting it only makes it worse because that’s exactly what he would do.  I’m so screwed.

5.  A conversation I had with Smella this evening:

Smella (whining):  I can’t walk!

Me:  Why?  What’s wrong?

S:  I hut my weg!

M:  How did you hurt your leg?

S:  I bumped it and now I can’t walk!

M:  Well, come over here and let me see it.

S (walking across the living room, not even limping):  OK, daddy!

M (in my head):  You fucking with me?

It seems like we never talk anymore

Ok so I’m not so good at posting regularly.  It’s not that there’s nothing to blog about.  I am just incredibly lazy sometimes really busy lately.  And you know, once it’s been a week or so, I start thinking that I have to come up with something really kickass to make up for taking such a long break.  And then I start obsessing about that and psych myself out and before you know it–it’s been two weeks since your last post, dumbass.

And since it’s already been so long, why not wait another week?  It can’t possibly matter anyway, right?  Why not go work on the dozens of hours of tripe clogging up the DVR?  Or why not go play another hand of spider solitaire?  Don’t forget to work in some Wii Fit too.  And you know you need to catch up on your blogs because you’re about 600 posts behind on Andrew Sullivan alone.

And then my head explodes.  Luckily, my mother always said that when your head explodes, you pick up the pieces and have a highly skilled surgeon reattach them.  And if you can’t afford a highly skilled surgeon, just attempt it yourself.  It can’t possibly be that hard, right?  That’s what she said.  Because she can be very wise sometimes.  Are we still talking about my mom?

So anyway, welcome back.

My own little Stewartesque rant

From a story on CNN today about AIG giving out a fresh round of bonuses and the outrage it’s causing:

[AIG Chairman and CEO Edward Liddy said] he took steps to limit his employees’ compensation with trepidation.  He said the company will have trouble attracting and retaining “the best and the brightest … if employees believe that their compensation is subject to continued and arbitrary adjustment by the U.S. Treasury.”

The very next line is just beautiful:

AIG lost a record $62 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008.

So exactly what the fuck makes you think that your company has “the best and the brightest” people if you just recorded the largest quarterly loss in US history?  That’s an insult to bright people everywhere.  And damn, I’d hate to see how much money a bunch of random dumbasses would lose.

Speaking of random dumbasses, the company I work for is not staffed with financial geniuses by any means.  And guess what?  We still turn a profit.  AND we haven’t received $170,000,000,000 in bailout funds.  In fact, we haven’t received any bailout funds.

I was about to say something rude like:  “Who’s the genius now, fucker?” but then I remembered you “losers” (as Rick Santelli would say) are the ones who just got $165,000,000 in bonuses.  Touché, douchebags, touché.

Maybe Dora’s not a whore after all

Okay, maybe my last post was a bit premature.  I think the Dora people are totally fucking with us.  They released an intentionally controversial silhouette to cause an uproar when there’s really nothing to be concerned about.  And I even have proof to support my wild conspiracy theories.

She’s wearing pants.  Everyone should put their pitchforks down and disperse in an orderly fashion.  It’s going to be okay.  In case you’re curious, I did a brand new interpretation based on this newly discovered evidence.

You’re welcome, you lucky bastards.

UPDATE:  Nailed it.  Thanks to Jen for pointing this out.

Whora the explorer

Mattel and Nickelodeon have released a silhouette of the new Dora the Explorer design that will come out this fall.

Apparently, this scandalous preview is causing quite a controversy and there’s even a petition to try to put a stop to her makeover.  Danny at Dad Gone Mad called Dora out on this years ago but I wasn’t sure what the big deal was until I played with the design in Paint.  OMG, she’s a total whore.

UPDATE:  Or maybe not.