Monthly Archives: April 2009

How I know astrology is bullshit

As I was doing the sudoku in today’s Indianapolis Star, my eyes wandered down to the horoscopes.  I swear to Jaysus mine said:

You rediscover your talent for writing.  You’ll impress others.

I literally laughed out loud.

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More of the same

1.  I love the list format but I can’t have two posts in a row with the same title.  I have standards.

2.  Every time I go through a McDonald’s drive-thru and they say, “Please pull forward and we’ll bring your order out to you,” because I’ve just ordered so much fast food that even the #1 fast food chain in the world momentarily grinds to a halt, it makes me feel sad.  That spot where you park up in front of the drive-thru is probably the most depressing spot in the world.  It’s where dreams go to die.  And you just know all the other people that get their food and leave are driving past with their noses in the air like “Oh I might wait five minutes for this shit, but I’m just too damn important to wait ten minutes like this miserable fucker here.”  Well guess what, other people, I’m trying to feed a family here.  So you go to hell, other people, you go straight to hell.

3.  After re-reading the previous paragraph, I think it should probably be read in an Andy Rooney voice.

4.  See, what’d I tell ya?  Right?

5.  Sometimes a quick glance at the baby’s legs as I walk in the door after work tells me all I need to know about the kind of day Kelly had:

dscn1223-1

The really scary part:  I don’t think this even made the top ten list of “things the kids and/or dog did to drive Kelly crazy today.”

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Fact and opinion

1.  Maybe I’m a little out of the loop but I just heard the Framing Hanley cover of “Lollipop” last week and my ears are still bleeding.  It’s just awful.  What the hell were they thinking?  What would make someone shit all over a perfectly good song like that?  The rule for deciding whether you should cover a song is simple:  if you can’t do it better, don’t do it.  The Framing Hanley amendment to that rule is:  seriously, just don’t.

2.  In other music news, the Decemberists just released their new album The Hazards of Love.  Hallelujah.

3.  Hilarious, but kinda pathetic too:

At about the 2:45 mark, it gets ugly:

Charles, Barack Obama is president of the United States today because of stupid, ignorant people who think like you do.  You pose — you and your ignorance are the most expensive commodity this country has.  You think you know everything.  You don’t know diddly-squat.

Is that any way to talk to a veteran?

4.  I can’t help thinking lately that I’m never going to be anything more than a parody of my dad.  And fighting it only makes it worse because that’s exactly what he would do.  I’m so screwed.

5.  A conversation I had with Smella this evening:

Smella (whining):  I can’t walk!

Me:  Why?  What’s wrong?

S:  I hut my weg!

M:  How did you hurt your leg?

S:  I bumped it and now I can’t walk!

M:  Well, come over here and let me see it.

S (walking across the living room, not even limping):  OK, daddy!

M (in my head):  You fucking with me?

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It seems like we never talk anymore

Ok so I’m not so good at posting regularly.  It’s not that there’s nothing to blog about.  I am just incredibly lazy sometimes really busy lately.  And you know, once it’s been a week or so, I start thinking that I have to come up with something really kickass to make up for taking such a long break.  And then I start obsessing about that and psych myself out and before you know it–it’s been two weeks since your last post, dumbass.

And since it’s already been so long, why not wait another week?  It can’t possibly matter anyway, right?  Why not go work on the dozens of hours of tripe clogging up the DVR?  Or why not go play another hand of spider solitaire?  Don’t forget to work in some Wii Fit too.  And you know you need to catch up on your blogs because you’re about 600 posts behind on Andrew Sullivan alone.

And then my head explodes.  Luckily, my mother always said that when your head explodes, you pick up the pieces and have a highly skilled surgeon reattach them.  And if you can’t afford a highly skilled surgeon, just attempt it yourself.  It can’t possibly be that hard, right?  That’s what she said.  Because she can be very wise sometimes.  Are we still talking about my mom?

So anyway, welcome back.

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