From a story on CNN today about AIG giving out a fresh round of bonuses and the outrage it’s causing:
[AIG Chairman and CEO Edward Liddy said] he took steps to limit his employees’ compensation with trepidation. He said the company will have trouble attracting and retaining “the best and the brightest … if employees believe that their compensation is subject to continued and arbitrary adjustment by the U.S. Treasury.”
The very next line is just beautiful:
AIG lost a record $62 billion in the fourth quarter of 2008.
So exactly what the fuck makes you think that your company has “the best and the brightest” people if you just recorded the largest quarterly loss in US history? That’s an insult to bright people everywhere. And damn, I’d hate to see how much money a bunch of random dumbasses would lose.
Speaking of random dumbasses, the company I work for is not staffed with financial geniuses by any means. And guess what? We still turn a profit. AND we haven’t received $170,000,000,000 in bailout funds. In fact, we haven’t received any bailout funds.
I was about to say something rude like: “Who’s the genius now, fucker?” but then I remembered you “losers” (as Rick Santelli would say) are the ones who just got $165,000,000 in bonuses. Touché, douchebags, touché.
I saw this commercial for the first time last night.
Mmmmmkay. If you couldn’t read the small print, it said “What has weed done for you?” Let’s break this down a little.
“I stole from my little sister.”
Believe it or not, potheads don’t typically steal to buy weed. Sure it’s possible this has happened at some point in the history of the world, but people have stolen to get all kinds of stuff. Like shoes. Or Legos. Or iPods. I think what they’ve done is confused pot with crack. And just in case you’re wondering, I’ve never heard of anyone sucking a dick to support their pot habit either.
“I got straight D’s.”
Why didn’t they have anyone on that got straight A’s? I know smokers who have done that. Also, there are people who have never even lit up once that get straight D’s. Should we outlaw stupid people?
“I left my ex-girlfriend 27 messages last night.”
This time they got pot confused with alcohol. It’s called drunk dialing. We’ve all been there.
“I made my mother cry.”
Your mom needs to get out more. “I made my mother high” is a more likely scenario anyway.
“I let people draw on me.”
I would guess that you got drunk and passed out if you let people draw on you, but for the sake of argument let’s pretend you were stoned instead. You provided your friends with a few minutes of quality entertainment. Yeah? So? That’s actually pretty cool of you. I bet your friends think you’re awesome.
“I ditched my friends and let them find their own way home.”
Riiiiight. Potheads are notorious for abandoning their friends and being pretty damn unfriendly all around. It was at this point that I knew this couldn’t be an anti-alcohol PSA because then it would say “I gave my friends a ride and we crashed and then we all died.”
Filed under Random, Rants
So I know it’s almost Thanksgiving and it’s a little sacrilegious to put this down in writing but since only about three people in the world will read this, here we go: I think turkey is overrated.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate turkey. I happen to like smoked turkey shaved paper-thin at the deli and piled high on a sandwich. Also, I’m fine with the giant turkey legs at the state fair. And although I’ve never tried Turkey Joints, I’m sure that if they’re anything like the other joints I’ve tried, I’d really enjoy them.
No, it’s Thanksgiving turkey that I’m not so crazy about. It’s the giant lump of meat that even when it’s moist and juicy and roasted to a perfect bronze, still just tastes like turkey. There are so many meats out there that are simply tastier than turkey. Think about it for a second. How awesome would it be to sit down to a Thanksgiving prime rib? Or a nice holiday pastrami? Or if you insist on poultry then why not some fried chicken?
I know what you’re thinking. We should suffer through our mediocre turkey because that’s what the Pilgrims and Indians did back in the day. But you know they would have traded all their turkeys for just one plate of dripping greasy bacon if only Oscar Mayer had invented it sooner. (Today I heard on the radio that they also served lobster at the first Thanksgiving. Why in the world would turkey catch on instead of lobster? Goddamn turkey lobbyists.) Yes, turkey is traditional. But it’s also boring. It’s bland. It literally puts you to sleep.
For the record, I have nothing against Thanksgiving itself. The food and the family and the dog show and the football and the Black Friday ads and the chill in the air and the traditional (in our house) playing of Green Day’s Macy’s Day Parade all add up to make Thanksgiving one of my favorite holidays (top five, at least). And I enjoy the crap out of Thanksgiving dinner. It’s just that when I load up my plate(s) with dressing, casseroles, mashed potatoes, gravy, baked macaroni and cheese, rolls, pies(!), etc., I try to save a little room for a slice of ham.
There, I said it and the world didn’t end.
Hey, how ya doin? Yeah, it’s me. That’s right, the guy you were tailgating today. Hey. Um, you’re obviously a douchebag, right? Okay, see, here’s the thing. I know it’s not cool that I didn’t mention this sooner but it turns out I’M A DOUCHEBAG TOO!!! So when you pull up behind me within 3/8 of an inch of my rear bumper when I am doing a perfectly respectable 5-10 mph over the speed limit, I’m gonna be the passive-aggressive prick who slows down to 0-5 mph UNDER the speed limit. And I’m never. even. gonna. touch. my. brakes. So, let’s do the math. Okay, carry the one and voila! Survey says: BACK THE FUCK OFF AND YOU’LL GO 5-15 MPH FASTER. Dumbshit.
P.S. You’re probably also the guy who stays in the lane that’s ending until the last second, finally merging when there is absolutely nowhere else to go, and cutting off a quarter mile of formerly happy motorists. When the terrorists say they want to kill Americans, they’re talking about dicks like you.