Monthly Archives: September 2008

Same difference

Everyone keeps saying that Sarah Palin is just like you and me and that somehow this supposed similarity is a qualification to run the United States of America.  I disagree.  On both points.  Nonetheless, I made a list of similarities and differences between Sarah Palin and me.

SIMILARITY:  Both of us are terrible at interviews.

DIFFERENCE:  I’m also bad at public speaking.  Then again, I’ve never used a teleprompter.

SIMILARITY:  Neither one of us has ever been to Russia.

DIFFERENCE:  I’m not running for Vice President.

SIMILARITY:  We both could legitimately be described as white trash.

DIFFERENCE:  I make way less money.

SIMILARITY:  We both have desks at work.

DIFFERENCE:  I’m not the focus of any ethics investigations.

SIMILARITY:  Neither one of us knows how to fix the economy.

DIFFERENCE:  I did know what the Bush Doctrine was before Charlie Gibson asked about it.

SIMILARITY:  Our hometowns have populations under 10,000.  In fact, mine has less than 100.

DIFFERENCE:  There are more people in Indianapolis than the entire state of Alaska.

SIMILARITY:  At night, we can both see stars from our houses.

DIFFERENCE:  I realize that this does NOT make me an astronomer.

SIMILARITY:  Neither of us should be Vice President.

DIFFERENCE:  I understand this.

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WTF?

Me:  What are you doing?

Big D:  (Looking under the couch as if he’s hunting for a lost toy.)  Nothing.

Me:  Are you sure?  What are you doing?

Big D:  I guess you’re right.

Me:  What do you mean?  Right about what?

Big D:  Cats really do have nine lives.

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The Big Ten

Dear Kelly,

Can you believe we’ve been married for ten whole years today?  How crazy is that?  Ten years ago, if someone had told me that a decade in the future, I’d be sitting here blogging about being married for ten years, I would have asked them what the hell “blogging” is.  Then I would have shot them in the face.  Yes, it’s a little harsh but the bible says that soothsayers are an abomination.  So getting shot in the face just comes with the territory.  And I’m pretty sure that when Yahweh himself declares that you and all of your fortunetelling colleagues are an abomination, getting shot in the face is probably the least of your worries anyway.

So where was I?  Oh yeah.  Ten years.  That’s a long time.  That’s a couple years longer than any job I’ve ever had and five times longer than any job you’ve ever had.  I’m not judging.  I’m just saying.

I think the song that sums up what I want to say the best is 311’s Down:

We’ve changed a lot and then some some
Know that we have always been down down
And if i ever didn’t thank you you
Then just let me do it now

Anyway, considering how we met, it’s pretty amazing that we even made it ten days.  But here we are nonetheless.  Not only are we still together, but we’re actually still going strong.  Sure, some people thought we were out of our minds, but I believe it was 311 that also said:

Fuck the naysayers cause they don’t mean a thing
‘Cause this is what style we bring.

So happy tenth anniversary!  Seriously, I’d be lost without you.  And you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  Except maybe for that time when I was fifteen and I found a ten dollar bill on the side of road.  That was pretty awesome too.

Love,

Your Husband

P.S.  If anyone tells you that we won’t make it another ten years, shoot them in the face.  And if they tell you that we’ll be alright, shoot them in the face.  Hallelujah!

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A slightly shinier turd

See, this is why I’m jealous of the wife.  She can take a simple thing like somebody dropping a dime in the drive-thru and turn it into a whole blog post.  And I bet she wrote that in about a minute and a half.  I just can’t do that.  I’m lucky if I can squeeze out more than two posts in a week.  Kelly comes home from work and offhandedly says “somebody dropped a dime in the drive-thru” and I immediately know that the following morning she will have a perfectly polished story ready to post.  I guess that’s her process.

Mine involves racking my brain for a blogworthy topic (usually on the way home from work or late at night).  Next, I save any ideas as notes in my phone’s notepad as soon as possible so I don’t forget them (Today’s note said “Turd in the machine.”  Seriously).  Then I take the idea (the “turd,” if you will) and insert it into my mind (let’s call it the “machine”).  After the machine flips and turns and stretches and squeezes and polishes and reworks the turd several dozen times, a slightly shinier turd comes rolling down the conveyor belt at the other end of the machine.

I pick up the enhanced turd (careful, it’s still hot) and start typing.  This is when the magic happens.  After much writing and editing and restarting and editing some more, I give up and push the “publish” button and, if all went well, there’s a beautiful shimmering turd on the screen.

If not, you get this.

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Porcine lipstick and crocodile tears

Okay, yeah, I do enjoy politics.  And with Sarah Palin officially on the Republican ticket, this is finally getting interesting.  But seriously, even I am a little tired of how both campaigns feign outrage over every little perceived insult or slight.  Yes, I know twisting your opponent’s words is what politics is all about.  That’s fine.  But could we throw in a little bit of actual policy discussion occasionally just to break up the monotony?  Just a little?  No?

Yesterday, Joe Biden mentioned special needs children and stem cell research.  Obviously, this means that he wants to murder your babies.  How dare he.  Today, it’s Barack Obama’s “putting lipstick on a pig” comment.  I don’t know if he was deliberately trying to insult Palin or not, but I’m positive that the dismay and outrage that followed was completely manufactured.  Hey, guys?  All of you?  On both sides?  Could we just go ahead and get this over with now?  Okay, here we go.

Biden isn’t talking about kids with Down syndrome when he says “those guys are beholden to special interests.”

McCain isn’t making a racial slur when he talks about the “good ol’ boy network.”

Obama isn’t referencing McCain’s age when he talks about the “good ol’ boy network.”

Palin isn’t making backhanded Messiah jokes when she talks about Obama “turning back the waters and healing the planet.”

Oh wait.  Nevermind.

In any event, everyone should probably avoid any phrase having to do with dogs, pigs, monkeys, cows, elephants, donkeys, rats, foxes, etc. unless they are ready to make an immediate apology to all offended parties.  As tough as it may be, Obama and Biden should try especially hard to avoid using the word “moose” in any context at all until after the election.  Because if they use that word, Palin will totally have a cow.

Okay, I’ll stop now.

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Fact and Opinion

1. This? This is quite possibly the most perfect ice cream ever. The Turtle Sundae has stupid caramel. That’s what you call it when they put so much caramel in there that it’s just kinda stupid. I probably didn’t need to explain that.

2. Whenever I give the kids their baths, the two little ones always like to hang out in the bathroom with me and get in the way as much as possible. It gets a little crowded in there sometimes. So as I was brushing Big D’s teeth one day last week (yeah, I know he’s seven and he should probably start brushing his own teeth but he’s just not very good at it), I wasn’t all that surprised to hear him blurt out “Hey! Whoever’s touching my peepee needs to stop!” I still haven’t figured out how to hear a statement like that without responding “That’s what she said.” But I’m working on it.

3. Kelly just said “Those lists aren’t supposed to take that long at all.” Whatever that means.

4. Seriously, Kelly doesn’t think it’s all that funny when I let loose with a “That’s what she said” in front of the kids at the dinner table.

5. Yeah, I had to post because I was feeling guilty about Kelly posting more than me even with all the shit she has going on. And EVERYTHING is a contest with her.

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I heart politics

I love politics.  I love how pretty much every politician is completely full of shit.  I love how they can dodge any question they’re ever asked.  I love how they spin everything.  It’s a beautiful and impressive thing to behold and this is turning out to be one of the most fun presidential campaigns ever.

I love how people wonder if McCain knew that Palin’s daughter was pregnant when he picked her.  Of course he did.  I’m sure he’s got people that work out all the endless possibilities before they make any political decision.  They probably stayed up all night thinking of all the different scenarios and they decided it was worth the risk because it’s just one more thing that makes her look like a regular middle-class American.  The base will love it.  And if anyone criticizes her, we’ll accuse them of being sexist pigs.  Brilliant!

Speaking of middle-class, I read on some blog that Palin and her husband together bring in around $225,000 per year.  I don’t know if that’s true, but in my part of the world that’s considered not so much “middle-class” as it is “fucking rich.”  Yeah, I know–“Anyone richer than you is rich and anyone poorer than you is poor.”  Whatever.  That’s still not my definition of middle class.  And that’s okay.  Be rich all you want.  There’s nothing wrong with it.  (And, yes, I am well aware that many people will disagree with me on my definition of middle class.)

Anyway.  Like I was saying, this campaign season is awesome.  And I can’t wait to see how it all turns out.

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