When the wife was pregnant with Big D, our first kid, I thought that I could just skim through the What to Expect series and learn pretty much everything I ever needed to know about raising babies. Not quite. Don’t get me wrong, these books are very valuable resources (which I’m pretty sure the wife has read about five times each). They cover the big milestones like rolling over and sitting up and walking and talking to reassure worried parents that their baby is perfectly normal. But there are so many milestones that the books never tell you about. Some of them may seem a little trivial, but they are all important in their own little ways. Here’s my top ten list:
1. Wiping their own asses: This is a HUGE deal. It may be even bigger than walking.
2. Trying to tell a joke: Although this can be pretty painful, you gotta appreciate the fact that they are even attempting it.
3. Successfully telling a joke: Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. Good one, Big D.
4. Climbing on the furniture: This isn’t necessarily a good thing but the kid enjoys the hell out of it.
5. Realizing they farted: What was that, Daddy? Why, I didn’t hear anything but the sound of angels sighing.
6. Realizing you farted: Daddy, what’s that smell? Ummm, I believe that’s some especially pungent Limburger cheese, son.
7. Dropping the f-bomb: This always happens sooner than expected. Sometimes they even use it in the appropriate context which is even more disturbing.
8. Taking a shower by themselves: Right up there with wiping their own asses.
9. Using a straw: This means you don’t have to pack a sippy cup everywhere you go ever again.* Awesome.
10. Fixing a bowl of cereal: Mommy and Daddy are gonna sleep in a little late this Saturday.
*ever again=until the next kid comes along.