Monthly Archives: November 2008

Survivorman vs Man vs Wild

Disclaimer:  I think Les Stroud is the shit.  If I was gay, I’d totally have his babies or something.  If you are a Bear Grylls groupie, you’re not going to like this post.

Survivorman is ending its run soon and it’s a damn shame.   It was bound to happen sooner or later and I’m glad Les Stroud decided to call it quits before something bad happened to him but still.

I guess the thing that I like most about Survivorman is that it’s real.  Sure, he could just do a show about survival without actually stranding himself in the middle of nowhere all alone and it would probably allow him to squeeze a bunch more tips and tricks into each episode but it’s just not the same as actually going out there and doing it.  He doesn’t just claim that if you follow his techniques you’ll be better off in a given situation.  He actually shows you that, yes, it is humanly possible to survive it.  In short, he’s a badass.  And he’s Canadian.   I know it sounds like a paradox but it’s true.

Of course, Les can be a total buzzkill sometimes too.   On last week’s episode, he was in the Arctic tundra.  After not eating for a few days, he actually managed to catch four substantial fish.   Awesome.  Time to celebrate?  Not so fast.  Les quickly found a cloud to drown out the silver lining.   He said something like:

“These fish are a lucky break because I was afraid that if I didn’t eat soon I was totally gonna die.  But now a polar bear is gonna smell the fish and come eat me and I’m totally gonna die.  And if there are no polar bears around then I’m gonna freeze to death.   No matter what, I’m totally gonna die.”

That’s how it is with him.  Every two or three minutes he reminds you that he could die at any moment.  And I know he’s not really exaggerating but still it makes him sound like a drama queen.  I just hope he’s not like that in real life:

“I’m gonna pick up these scissors and walk briskly into the kitchen with them.   At this point, I should warn you that if I make one wrong move, I’m totally gonna die.”

But you know who is a REAL drama queen?  Bear Grylls, the star of Man vs Wild.  I must admit that I’ve never watched a full episode of his show but I’ve seen enough to know that if you follow any of his advice, you will be dead within minutes.  He is obviously a sadistic man hellbent on killing off his audience.  If he finds a dead camel in the desert, his first reaction is to curl up inside the carcass for warmth while snacking on the animal’s decaying rectum.

Bear Grylls always goes for the most shocking solution to any problem.  In a recent episode of Survivorman, Les had a couple of horses to take care of during his excursion.  If Bear Grylls had been in charge of those horses, I am convinced that he would have recommended that his viewers fellate each of them twice a day.

“Horse splooge is highly nourishing but you must remember to alternate between the two horses so that you don’t deplete either of their reserves too quickly.”

I saw the end of one episode where he decided to swim across an ice-cold lake.  Really?! So if I ever find myself lost in the wilderness and I come upon a near-freezing body of water, you’re suggesting that I should inflate a sheep bladder for a life preserver, strip down to my underwear, and risk possible hypothermia or more likely drowning by attempting a half-mile swim?  On an empty stomach?  After not having a good night’s sleep in a week?  Are you positive that this really is the best course of action?  I probably couldn’t even swim across a heated pool under ideal conditions on a good day, you sick bastard.   Bear Grylls should retire before he gets us all killed.

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Filed under Random, Reviews

And don’t even get me started on turducken

So I know it’s almost Thanksgiving and it’s a little sacrilegious to put this down in writing but since only about three people in the world will read this, here we go:  I think turkey is overrated.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate turkey.  I happen to like smoked turkey shaved paper-thin at the deli and piled high on a sandwich.  Also, I’m fine with the giant turkey legs at the state fair.  And although I’ve never tried Turkey Joints, I’m sure that if they’re anything like the other joints I’ve tried, I’d really enjoy them.

No, it’s Thanksgiving turkey that I’m not so crazy about.  It’s the giant lump of meat that even when it’s moist and juicy and roasted to a perfect bronze, still just tastes like turkey.  There are so many meats out there that are simply tastier than turkey.  Think about it for a second.  How awesome would it be to sit down to a Thanksgiving prime rib?  Or a nice holiday pastrami?  Or if you insist on poultry then why not some fried chicken?

I know what you’re thinking.  We should suffer through our mediocre turkey because that’s what the Pilgrims and Indians did back in the day.  But you know they would have traded all their turkeys for just one plate of dripping greasy bacon if only Oscar Mayer had invented it sooner.  (Today I heard on the radio that they also served lobster at the first Thanksgiving.  Why in the world would turkey catch on instead of lobster?  Goddamn turkey lobbyists.)  Yes, turkey is traditional.  But it’s also boring.  It’s bland.  It literally puts you to sleep.

For the record, I have nothing against Thanksgiving itself.  The food and the family and the dog show and the football and the Black Friday ads and the chill in the air and the traditional (in our house) playing of Green Day’s Macy’s Day Parade all add up to make Thanksgiving one of my favorite holidays (top five, at least).  And I enjoy the crap out of Thanksgiving dinner.  It’s just that when I load up my plate(s) with dressing, casseroles, mashed potatoes, gravy, baked macaroni and cheese, rolls, pies(!), etc., I try to save a little room for a slice of ham.

There, I said it and the world didn’t end.

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Filed under Holidays, Random, Rants

A neat little trick

Okay, the Target Black Friday ad just got added to gottadeal.com today and I spent the last twenty minutes poring over it.  In fact, at one point, I’m pretty sure I had at least fifteen tabs open at once.  That’s so many tabs that I was afraid the computer might crash if I moved the mouse too fast or turned the printer on.  Some people (the wife) can’t stand it when others (I) have more than three tabs open at once.  “You can only read one tab at a time, you know.”  Yeah, but I can have fourteen others loading up in the meantime.  Duh.

So yeah, I had 15 tabs open and I ended up bookmarking 12 of them.  I know, right?  I’m a tab spaz.  I’m not usually such a bookmark spaz though.  And out of the 12 bookmarks, ten of them were in the toys and games section.  And out of those ten, seven of them are actual toys for the kids instead of crap like video or board games.  And out of those seven, I’d say there’s probably about two or three that I’m interested in solely for the kids’ enjoyment and not because Kelly and I think they’d be fun or because we probably want to play with them more than the actual kids in this family do.

So anyway, what I was going to say was:  Kelly taught me a new trick the other day.  (Ummm, as soon as I typed that out, I just kept typing so that I could let you know this:  yeah, I know it kinda sounded like I was her dog back there in that last sentence.  And I’m pretty sure that should be pissing me off right now.)  So the whole point of this post was supposed to be this:  Kelly read somewhere online that you can open links up in new tabs by clicking the scrolling wheel on the mouse.  And I was just going to say that using this trick has profoundly changed my life.  I am using more tabs than ever and it’s awesome, but I’m still not sure why she showed me this with her big tab-phobia thing.  Anyway, I’ve got 14 more tabs to read.

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Filed under Holidays, Random

Scraping the bottom of the barrel / Jumping the shark / Wasting bandwidth

Yeah I know that yesterday I promised I would post today. But let’s face it. I’m not a daily poster. I just don’t have it in me. So today I’m going to treat you to some of the texts that are currently stored in my phone. You lucky bastards. By the way, these are all from the wife. So basically these are snippets from her end of a bunch of conversations.

I hate this fucking shit.

I’m at moms. Going to store shortly. Don’t need you. :p

Fucker. / That costs 15 cents.

Uhhhh… / You ask. / Next weekend. What are we doin?

Hi. / Who? / Naaaaaaahhhh

K thanks. :p

Yep. / Im soooo hot / Half of one / Yes / No / Ok i had a shot. Woooo / Red snapper. Crown and cranberry. / Im done. The dizzy is wearing off. / (edited) / Soon as we get home / K. Love you. / (edited)

I know right?!

I want ham and pineapple. Fucker. / WHATEVER.

What in the hell did you put on my baby BOY? / God! He’ll totally catch the gay now.

Yummo!

I’m so wet. / Wait. I toweled off. I’m dry now. / (edited) / (edited) / Oh my science! That’s hot.

(edited) / I don’t like it when ppl don’t txt back. / Shoo. Guess we’re not having lunch together.

Sooo this is stupid.

Uhhh…what are you doing? / Yes / And leaving soon

What’re you doing? / You need to get rid of the hot Chicago nerdy sluts now and txt back. / Srsly? You bought the sluts lunch? At 4 pm?

Whatcha doin?

You freaks wearing your slickers?

I had forgotten about it. What else are we forgetting?

You know what? I guess you had to be there. I’m sorry if none of that made any sense. I’ll have a real post soon.

Not tomorrow, but soon.

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Filed under Random

Fact and Opinion

1. I’m starting to get over my case of Post-Election Fatigue Syndrome.  I’ll try to post more now.  And ease up on the political crap.

2. A wrong number popped up on my cell phone today so I ignored it like I always do with numbers I don’t recognize.  They’ll leave a message if it’s important.  A minute later they called back.  I answered it the second time to inform them that they had the wrong number.  After I said hello, the lady on the other end mumbled/slurred something into my ear. I told her she had the wrong number and hung up.  A couple minutes later, she called back.  This time she left a voicemail. I had to listen to it about five or six times to get it all transcribed for you:  “BOO YA! Lil girl.  You know i will.  Cuz I’m not scared of none of you folks out there on Mitthoeffer, Post, none of ya.  Okay?  Boo ya!  Cunt.”  Right back atcha.

3. A couple of nights ago, as I was getting ready to give Smella a bath, she cocked her head to the side, crossed her arms, and demanded to know:  “Why is the mustard in the bathroom?”buddies4. I’ve been sitting here eating a Butterfinger Sonic Blast for the last twenty minutes and the wife is nagging me to get off the damn computer already so let’s wrap this up.

5. I’ll post more tomorrow.  I swear.

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Filed under Lists, Random

The next president

It’s still pretty amazing that for the next four years whenever we hear the announcement “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the President of the United States of America,” a black guy will walk out on stage.  Is this a great country or what?

obama-in-grant-parkUPI Photo/Pat Benic

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Filed under Random

I can’t decide on a title for this post

If you are still undecided about the presidential election at this point, kiss my ass.  On the eve of what is probably the most historic and significant election in our lifetime, there are douchebags out there who claim to still be undecided.  Are you shitting me?

I understand wanting to pick the best person for the job.  I understand getting all the facts before you decide.  I understand mulling over your choice and weighing all the pros and cons.  I even understand deciding to just sit out an election because you’ve had enough.  At least that involves making an actual decision.  So go ahead and wait until after the last debate to decide.  That’s fine.  But if you haven’t made up your mind by election eve, I feel like it’s my responsibility as your fellow American to strongly encourage you to go fuck yourself.

Do these people have the same issues with other decisions in their lives?  Do they spend half an hour every morning trying to decide between the white shirt and the off-white shirt?  Do they ever end up just calling in sick because the staggering variety of shirts in their closets was ultimately just too damn overwhelming?  Of course not, they say.  Shirts are trivial but picking a president is a very important civic duty in any great democracy.

If it’s so important then why are they waiting until the last minute to decide?  Why are they heading into the voting booth not knowing who they are about to pick?  What nugget of information are they planning on receiving in those final seconds before they cast their ballots?  If they truly are as indecisive as they claim to be, then their choice is basically going to be a last-minute coin toss.  And if that’s the case, why bother learning anything about any of the candidates?  Why not just go in the booth, close your eyes, and start pulling random levers?  What’s the difference?

I blame the media.  Every election season, they celebrate the undecided voter.  I’m not sure where they find these people but dragging them out into the spotlight only encourages them.  They are the reason why the ads are still coming in the mail and clogging up the TV.

As citizens of this great nation, I believe we have certain responsibilities.  Voting is one of them.  Staying informed is another.  But at the top of the list is this:  when confronted with an undecided voter in the last week of a campaign season, it is imperative that we kick them in the nuts.  Twice, if necessary.

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Filed under Politics, Random