Category Archives: Lists

More of the same

1.  I love the list format but I can’t have two posts in a row with the same title.  I have standards.

2.  Every time I go through a McDonald’s drive-thru and they say, “Please pull forward and we’ll bring your order out to you,” because I’ve just ordered so much fast food that even the #1 fast food chain in the world momentarily grinds to a halt, it makes me feel sad.  That spot where you park up in front of the drive-thru is probably the most depressing spot in the world.  It’s where dreams go to die.  And you just know all the other people that get their food and leave are driving past with their noses in the air like “Oh I might wait five minutes for this shit, but I’m just too damn important to wait ten minutes like this miserable fucker here.”  Well guess what, other people, I’m trying to feed a family here.  So you go to hell, other people, you go straight to hell.

3.  After re-reading the previous paragraph, I think it should probably be read in an Andy Rooney voice.

4.  See, what’d I tell ya?  Right?

5.  Sometimes a quick glance at the baby’s legs as I walk in the door after work tells me all I need to know about the kind of day Kelly had:

dscn1223-1

The really scary part:  I don’t think this even made the top ten list of “things the kids and/or dog did to drive Kelly crazy today.”

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Fact and opinion

1.  Maybe I’m a little out of the loop but I just heard the Framing Hanley cover of “Lollipop” last week and my ears are still bleeding.  It’s just awful.  What the hell were they thinking?  What would make someone shit all over a perfectly good song like that?  The rule for deciding whether you should cover a song is simple:  if you can’t do it better, don’t do it.  The Framing Hanley amendment to that rule is:  seriously, just don’t.

2.  In other music news, the Decemberists just released their new album The Hazards of Love.  Hallelujah.

3.  Hilarious, but kinda pathetic too:

At about the 2:45 mark, it gets ugly:

Charles, Barack Obama is president of the United States today because of stupid, ignorant people who think like you do.  You pose — you and your ignorance are the most expensive commodity this country has.  You think you know everything.  You don’t know diddly-squat.

Is that any way to talk to a veteran?

4.  I can’t help thinking lately that I’m never going to be anything more than a parody of my dad.  And fighting it only makes it worse because that’s exactly what he would do.  I’m so screwed.

5.  A conversation I had with Smella this evening:

Smella (whining):  I can’t walk!

Me:  Why?  What’s wrong?

S:  I hut my weg!

M:  How did you hurt your leg?

S:  I bumped it and now I can’t walk!

M:  Well, come over here and let me see it.

S (walking across the living room, not even limping):  OK, daddy!

M (in my head):  You fucking with me?

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Fact and Opinion-Doggystyle

1.  So yeah we got a dog.  The kids are thrilled.  They love it when he “gives them hugs” which is a polite way of saying “feverishly humps them.”  A couple nights ago, as Big D was getting pounded, he screamed, “Oscar loves giving me hugs!”  And then Smella chimed in, “I want a hug next, Oscard!”  It’s hard to teach them that hugs are a bad thing when they’re literally begging for it.

2.  Although Oscar’s favorite hug recipients are the kids, if there aren’t any available he will gladly nail their stuffed animals.  Tonight I saw him doing it doggystyle with a gorilla.  I was all like, “Yo, dog.  Cut it out.”  I’m pretty sure that’s never going to get old.

3.  The poor cat.  She’s gonna have a stroke if she doesn’t calm down.  She had already started hiding in our bedroom until the kids would go to bed.  Now she doesn’t come out until we crate him when we go to bed.  She loathes him and the sad part is that he is completely oblivious.  If they happen to see each other, she immediately starts hissing and he just stands there wondering if she’d like to play.  After all, he just wants to be friends.  With occasional benefits.

4.  The last time I had a dog for a pet was when I was a kid.  I had forgotten just how awesome they really are.

5.  This jarred my memory.

dscn1183

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Fact and Opinion

1.  Apparently, Kelly wants to start some kind of blog war, but I’m not biting.

2.  So now they’ve arrested eight people because Michael Phelps smoked pot.  And Kellogg’s has dropped him.  So I guess that anyone who has smoked pot is not qualified to endorse Kellogg’s?  For instance, there are several American presidents who are not good enough for Kellogg’s.  I think they’re saying that they have higher standards than the American voter.  I’m pretty sure that’s a blatant insult to all Americans.

3.  I knew there was something not right about giraffes.  I just didn’t know how evil they really are.

4.  Why can’t the banks forgive a dollar of a taxpayer’s credit card, mortgage, or other debt for every dollar they receive in bailout funds?  Or even a dime for every dollar?  A penny?  Work with us here, guys.

5.  The best part of the weather warming up enough to melt the foot of snow we had here in Indianapolis?  Driving without wearing a coat.  I’m pretty sure it’s the best thing ever.

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This is the best I could come up with after not posting for two weeks

So, yeah, it’s been two weeks since my last post.  Sorry about that.  Here’s a list of things that have happened in the last fortnight.

1.  Indianapolis had some freezing rain a couple days before Christmas.  I was about two cars behind a Lexus that lost its shit and spun out of control and hit the wall on I-465 while we were all going about 8 mph.  It was messy that day.

2.  Christmas happened.  I got a whistle-and-find remote control locater that is ultra-sensitive.  It goes off about once every five minutes or so the entire time the kids are awake.  That’s around 2000 times since I unwrapped it.  It mainly functions as an alarm to let the kids know that they’re being too loud.

3.  New Year’s happened.  Blah.

4.  Getting back into a regular routine is an ongoing project.

5.  Remember three weeks ago when I was kicking myself for letting Smella play with the Wii? Well in the meantime, she has become an accomplished bowler.  And she is unstoppable at boxing.  Big D has never beaten her and it drives him crazy.

6.  The wife totally talked a bunch of smack about me gloating because I’m awesome at Wii tennis.  The truth is I specifically make it a point to not gloat even when I beat her 7 out of 9 times like I did last night.  And I’m not ashamed to say that she won those two games fair and square.  I didn’t even let her win.  That was impressive.  And that’s not gloating.  I’m complimenting her for beating me twice in one night.  That says a lot about how good she is.  It has nothing to do with me.

7.  Also, Kelly hates it when I’m playing on the right side of the screen and the godlike announcer voice says “The right team won!” and I chuckle because it’s like a double entendre and then I apologize and try to convince her that it’s like if he said “The red team won!” and it turned out that you were playing with little mii avatars of Chinese President Hu Jintao or if he said “The left team won!” and your miis were Barack Obama and Joe Biden or if he said “The blue team won!” and your miis had big frowns and were sobbing inconsolably.  Yeah, she hates that.

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Fact and Opinion

1.  The wife will be home in about 20 minutes so I gotta make this quick.

2.  The other day, Big D and I were watching TV when a commercial for The Clapper came on and it must have been the first time he’d ever even heard of it because his reaction was an amazed “Oh my gosh!”  He couldn’t believe that anything that awesome actually existed.

3.  I cannot handle ketchup packets.  If I manage to open and empty one without getting some ketchup on my hand, I consider it a tiny victory.

4.  I’m pretty sure the only time Sally Struthers is ever mentioned in our house is when we are playing Scattergories.

5.  Guess who’s getting a Clapper for Christmas?

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The News Roundup

1. The House just passed the automotive industry bailout.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  We all know that the bailout won’t solve any of Detroit’s problems.  On the other hand, why shouldn’t we help them out if we’re willing to throw $700 billion at the banks?

Either way, I wish the Big 3’s CEOs would get a clue and stop playing games.  It was  heartbreakingly ignorant of them to show up begging for money in their corporate jets.  That just showed how out of touch they are.  But I also thought it was pretty moronic when they took it to the other extreme and decided to drive themselves to Washington the second time.  Unless you’re going to have all of your employees drive whenever they take a 600-mile business trip, then you have to admit that it was just a stunt.  Have you guys ever heard of flying coach?  You know what I’m talking about:  it’s where you have to buy a ticket and sit next to the smelly people.  Like all of your underlings do when they go somewhere on business.  It was all so obviously for show.

And the whole $1 annual salary thing?  Just another stunt that sounds good but that means absolutely nothing when you consider the stock options and other perks they get.

2.  Joe the Plumber is back in the news also.  Moron.

3.  And of course, there’s Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich trying to auction off the Senate seat previously held by Barack Obama.  That’s just absurdly corrupt.  Like an over-the-top caricature of a shady politician.  It sounds like a crappy Jay Leno joke (No, I’m not sure what other kind of Jay Leno joke there is):

Rod Blagojevich got voted in promising to end the corruption in the Illinois governor’s office but it turns out he’s pretty corrupt himself.

How corrupt is he, Jay?

He’s so corrupt that he tried to sell Barack Obama’s old Senate seat on eBay.

Groan.

4.  Apparently, WordPress spellcheck offers blackjack and biologic when you type in Blagojevich.

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