Monthly Archives: December 2008

It’s all fun and games until someone pokes out a uterus

The Duggars had another baby. I’m gonna go out on a limb and call it right now—this is not their last kid. I predict that Michelle will announce another pregnancy within two weeks. But when they go on the Today show and tell the kids that they have a surprise, they realize that nobody is really surprised, don’t they? Because a surprise is when something happens that you aren’t expecting. For example, if Jim Bob said that he bought a box of condoms. Or if Michelle made the stunning announcement that she’s getting rid of the mullet. Those would be surprises.

But they really have no reason to stop now. After all, her uterus hasn’t completely disintegrated yet. And if they stop having babies, somebody might pass them up and steal their limelight.

And what’s up with that limelight anyway? I understand the big deal when people have sextuplets but to just poop out about a baby a year is something that you plan for. It’s sort of like growing your hair down to your knees. Sure, it’s different but it’s not like you woke up one day and found out that your hair grew four feet overnight.

I do think that they do a really good job with planning and organization but it looks like the bulk of the workload is put on the kids. And I don’t think they’re heroes for homeschooling them because I bet it would be a lot more work for the parents if the older kids weren’t home taking care of the younger ones.

One more thing. I feel a little dirty for writing this, but I can’t wait for one of the girls to get knocked up. I just hope that they go on the Today show to announce that one.

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Fact and Opinion

1.  The wife will be home in about 20 minutes so I gotta make this quick.

2.  The other day, Big D and I were watching TV when a commercial for The Clapper came on and it must have been the first time he’d ever even heard of it because his reaction was an amazed “Oh my gosh!”  He couldn’t believe that anything that awesome actually existed.

3.  I cannot handle ketchup packets.  If I manage to open and empty one without getting some ketchup on my hand, I consider it a tiny victory.

4.  I’m pretty sure the only time Sally Struthers is ever mentioned in our house is when we are playing Scattergories.

5.  Guess who’s getting a Clapper for Christmas?

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In case you were wondering

Yes, it was me.  I was the guy blasting the radio in the company box truck as he bounced through some of the ugliest potholes in the icy streets of Indianapolis this afternoon.  What can I say?  It’s not every day that they play Ben Folds Five’s “Alice Childress” on the radio.

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The story of my life

Tonight as I was bathing Boobers, Big D asked me if Smella could play Wii with him. A little voice inside my head screamed “Oh my god, are you out of your mind? Do NOT let the three-year-old play Wii!” but I quickly silenced it because I’m a moron. I figured she could try bowling because it’s not too hard. So she figured it out and even managed to get a strike in her first game and everyone was temporarily happy.

After I finished bathing the baby, reality set in. Boobers saw her playing it and decided that if she could do it, so could he. I’m sure he thought that since she’s only got a few inches on him, it wouldn’t be a big deal if he gave it a shot too. And I understand his logic, but I had to draw the line because he’s NINETEEN MONTHS OLD. So for the rest of the game, Boobers kept trying to wrench the controller out of Smella’s hand. This annoyed her greatly.

But what really annoyed her was when I told her that she had to stop playing because it was time for her bath. To clarify: by “really annoyed her” I mean “she screamed for a short period and then cried during the entire bath.” To make matters worse, the little voice inside my head got all cocky and started mocking me for being the world’s most clueless parent.

(I swear that this is the story of my life. It seems that no matter what I do and how good my intentions are, I will inevitably find a way to screw up any situation imaginable. I don’t listen to the little voice until its derisive cackling can no longer be ignored. I wish I was joking, but I’m not.)

Eventually, Smella quit crying and I briefly (very, very briefly) considered letting her play again just to smooth things over. Instead, I got her dressed, kissed the kids goodnight, and put them to bed. And everyone was temporarily happy again.

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Today we officially grew old together

Kelly is 30 today and it kicks ass because I’m finally not in this alone anymore.  Now we’re both old instead of me being the creepy old dude with the 20-something wife.

older chicks

Happy Birthday, Kelly!

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The News Roundup

1. The House just passed the automotive industry bailout.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  We all know that the bailout won’t solve any of Detroit’s problems.  On the other hand, why shouldn’t we help them out if we’re willing to throw $700 billion at the banks?

Either way, I wish the Big 3’s CEOs would get a clue and stop playing games.  It was  heartbreakingly ignorant of them to show up begging for money in their corporate jets.  That just showed how out of touch they are.  But I also thought it was pretty moronic when they took it to the other extreme and decided to drive themselves to Washington the second time.  Unless you’re going to have all of your employees drive whenever they take a 600-mile business trip, then you have to admit that it was just a stunt.  Have you guys ever heard of flying coach?  You know what I’m talking about:  it’s where you have to buy a ticket and sit next to the smelly people.  Like all of your underlings do when they go somewhere on business.  It was all so obviously for show.

And the whole $1 annual salary thing?  Just another stunt that sounds good but that means absolutely nothing when you consider the stock options and other perks they get.

2.  Joe the Plumber is back in the news also.  Moron.

3.  And of course, there’s Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich trying to auction off the Senate seat previously held by Barack Obama.  That’s just absurdly corrupt.  Like an over-the-top caricature of a shady politician.  It sounds like a crappy Jay Leno joke (No, I’m not sure what other kind of Jay Leno joke there is):

Rod Blagojevich got voted in promising to end the corruption in the Illinois governor’s office but it turns out he’s pretty corrupt himself.

How corrupt is he, Jay?

He’s so corrupt that he tried to sell Barack Obama’s old Senate seat on eBay.

Groan.

4.  Apparently, WordPress spellcheck offers blackjack and biologic when you type in Blagojevich.

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Fact and Opinion

1.  I got the Comment of the Day the other day on The Bloggess.  It’s probably the biggest thing that’s happened to me since the birth of our first kid.  If you’ve never read her blog, you should because she’s hilarious.  And drunk.

2.  Goddamn, I hate those Glade commercials.  The Glade sticker stuck to the lady’s ass.  The gingerbread man ratting her out for using Glade.  The French pronunciation Glah-day.  Why is it such a big deal for people to find out that you buy Glade candles or air fresheners or whatthefuckever they’re advertising?  Why are they pretending that, on the list of unacceptable social behaviors, using their product is right up there next to shitting your pants at the dinner table?  Is that really a good marketing strategy?  Am I missing something?

3.  The TV is on NBC right now and the Jonas Brothers just performed live (and muted) at Rockefeller Center.  I was about to make some smartass comment about how much it would suck to be their drummer or bassist.  But now that I think about it, I bet they get all kinds of ass.

4.  Kelly tagged me with a bookworm meme.  On page 56 of the nearest book, the fifth, sixth, and seventh sentences say:

“Are you having a bad day?” I asked, already aware of the answer.

“Not really,” he said.  “It’s just, I don’t know, this is hard.”

Of course, the easiest and most obvious response to that would be “that’s what she said.”  So I’ll go with that.

5.  Fun fact:  Adult giraffes can extend their tongues 20 inches.

giraffe-tongue

Ever since I heard that last week, I haven’t been able to get this thought out of my head:  If you were innocently feeding the giraffes at the zoo, is it possible that one of them could get pissed off and shove its tongue down your throat and suffocate you?  I’m not sure I want to know the answer.

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