Monthly Archives: January 2009

The irony of it all

I saw this commercial for the first time last night.

Mmmmmkay.  If you couldn’t read the small print, it said “What has weed done for you?”  Let’s break this down a little.

“I stole from my little sister.”

Believe it or not, potheads don’t typically steal to buy weed.  Sure it’s possible this has happened at some point in the history of the world, but people have stolen to get all kinds of stuff.  Like shoes.  Or Legos.  Or iPods.  I think what they’ve done is confused pot with crack.  And just in case you’re wondering, I’ve never heard of anyone sucking a dick to support their pot habit either.

“I got straight D’s.”

Why didn’t they have anyone on that got straight A’s?  I know smokers who have done that.  Also, there are people who have never even lit up once that get straight D’s.  Should we outlaw stupid people?

“I left my ex-girlfriend 27 messages last night.”

This time they got pot confused with alcohol.  It’s called drunk dialing.  We’ve all been there.

“I made my mother cry.”

Your mom needs to get out more.  “I made my mother high” is a more likely scenario anyway.

“I let people draw on me.”

I would guess that you got drunk and passed out if you let people draw on you, but for the sake of argument let’s pretend you were stoned instead.  You provided your friends with a few minutes of quality entertainment.  Yeah? So?  That’s actually pretty cool of you.  I bet your friends think you’re awesome.

“I ditched my friends and let them find their own way home.”

Riiiiight.  Potheads are notorious for abandoning their friends and being pretty damn unfriendly all around.  It was at this point that I knew this couldn’t be an anti-alcohol PSA because then it would say “I gave my friends a ride and we crashed and then we all died.”

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Filed under Random, Rants

Fact and Opinion-Inauguration Edition

1.  I’m not sure which sounds better:  President Barack Obama or former President George W. Bush.

2.  I watched the inauguration on cnn.com with a couple of my coworkers.  We saw Joe Biden get sworn in and Aretha Franklin and everything was going fine until about two minutes before Obama was to be sworn in and then the video started hanging up so we missed the actual swearing-in and ended up listening to the inaugural address on the radio.  My favorite line of the address:  “We reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.”  Amen.

3.  I thought about how different awful yesterday (and the next four years) would have been if John McCain had won the election.  I imagined Sarah Palin up there taking the oath of office.  The image in my head was of her finishing up the oath with “So help me god” and then immediately turning her head to the crowd and giving them a quick wink.  Shudder.

4.  I think Obama will be a very good president.  Sure, he’ll always be remembered as the first black president but he seems very levelheaded and he has big ideas and it wouldn’t surprise me if he turns out to be one of the great presidents.

5.  Is it just me or did Bush use the phrase “no terrorist attacks on American soil since September 11” an awful lot in his exit interviews?  Nevermind all the dead soldiers.  They died in Iraq so it doesn’t count.  And what about the DC snipers?  I bet DC residents felt a bit terrorized when that was going on.  I’m going to stop now.

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Filed under Politics, Random

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

I don’t normally buy the groceries around here.  Oh sure, I occasionally run to the store to get some milk, bread, and cereal so that we have something more substantial than water and ketchup to dine on.  And sometimes the whole family goes on the weekly grocery trip.  But I rarely go to the store to buy the week’s groceries alone.  And by rarely I mean:  it’s probably been over a year.  Kelly would say it’s more like five but who’s counting.

It’s not that I refuse to go.  I offer to go all the time but she never takes me up on it.  She says it’s easier to just do it herself than to make a list for me.  But this time, she called my bluff.  She made a list and sent me on my way.

I hit a few minor snags.  I got the generic Q-tips before I remembered that I had a coupon for the real ones so after I finished my shopping, I walked all the way back across the store to get the right ones.  The store was out of lettuce.  A stocker said that a truck should be there any minute to deliver more.  So after picking up the Q-tips, I made my back across the store to check the lettuce situation one last time.  No luck.  After checking out, I drove to another store that’s sorta on the way home to pick up the lettuce.

But it wasn’t until just a few minutes ago when I went to the freezer and got the ice cream out that I realized that I made one huge mistake today.  After carefully avoiding all cookies and candy and cereal and <insert snack name here> with even a hint of peanut butter because of the nationwide recall, I ended up buying a carton of chocolate moose tracks ice cream.  Yeah, that’s the one with the miniature peanut butter cups in it.  Dammit.

I even reminded myself when I was at the store that I had to avoid peanut butter fudge ice cream and anything with the word Reese’s on the box.  But I never even thought about those tiny peanut butter cups.  I figure they have maybe a 64th of a teaspoon of actual peanut butter per cup.  I’m pretty sure that’s not enough to kill a person.  But I’m not positive.  Dammit.

So after thoroughly googling the recall, it looks like infants, the elderly, and people who are already sick are the ones who should be most worried about salmonella.  And according to the FDA‘s website, my ice cream hasn’t been recalled.  Yet.  But they recommended staying away from just about anything with peanut butter in it until they know more.  Dammit.

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This is the best I could come up with after not posting for two weeks

So, yeah, it’s been two weeks since my last post.  Sorry about that.  Here’s a list of things that have happened in the last fortnight.

1.  Indianapolis had some freezing rain a couple days before Christmas.  I was about two cars behind a Lexus that lost its shit and spun out of control and hit the wall on I-465 while we were all going about 8 mph.  It was messy that day.

2.  Christmas happened.  I got a whistle-and-find remote control locater that is ultra-sensitive.  It goes off about once every five minutes or so the entire time the kids are awake.  That’s around 2000 times since I unwrapped it.  It mainly functions as an alarm to let the kids know that they’re being too loud.

3.  New Year’s happened.  Blah.

4.  Getting back into a regular routine is an ongoing project.

5.  Remember three weeks ago when I was kicking myself for letting Smella play with the Wii? Well in the meantime, she has become an accomplished bowler.  And she is unstoppable at boxing.  Big D has never beaten her and it drives him crazy.

6.  The wife totally talked a bunch of smack about me gloating because I’m awesome at Wii tennis.  The truth is I specifically make it a point to not gloat even when I beat her 7 out of 9 times like I did last night.  And I’m not ashamed to say that she won those two games fair and square.  I didn’t even let her win.  That was impressive.  And that’s not gloating.  I’m complimenting her for beating me twice in one night.  That says a lot about how good she is.  It has nothing to do with me.

7.  Also, Kelly hates it when I’m playing on the right side of the screen and the godlike announcer voice says “The right team won!” and I chuckle because it’s like a double entendre and then I apologize and try to convince her that it’s like if he said “The red team won!” and it turned out that you were playing with little mii avatars of Chinese President Hu Jintao or if he said “The left team won!” and your miis were Barack Obama and Joe Biden or if he said “The blue team won!” and your miis had big frowns and were sobbing inconsolably.  Yeah, she hates that.

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Filed under Holidays, Lists, Random