Disclaimer: I think Les Stroud is the shit. If I was gay, I’d totally have his babies or something. If you are a Bear Grylls groupie, you’re not going to like this post.
Survivorman is ending its run soon and it’s a damn shame. It was bound to happen sooner or later and I’m glad Les Stroud decided to call it quits before something bad happened to him but still.
I guess the thing that I like most about Survivorman is that it’s real. Sure, he could just do a show about survival without actually stranding himself in the middle of nowhere all alone and it would probably allow him to squeeze a bunch more tips and tricks into each episode but it’s just not the same as actually going out there and doing it. He doesn’t just claim that if you follow his techniques you’ll be better off in a given situation. He actually shows you that, yes, it is humanly possible to survive it. In short, he’s a badass. And he’s Canadian. I know it sounds like a paradox but it’s true.
Of course, Les can be a total buzzkill sometimes too. On last week’s episode, he was in the Arctic tundra. After not eating for a few days, he actually managed to catch four substantial fish. Awesome. Time to celebrate? Not so fast. Les quickly found a cloud to drown out the silver lining. He said something like:
“These fish are a lucky break because I was afraid that if I didn’t eat soon I was totally gonna die. But now a polar bear is gonna smell the fish and come eat me and I’m totally gonna die. And if there are no polar bears around then I’m gonna freeze to death. No matter what, I’m totally gonna die.”
That’s how it is with him. Every two or three minutes he reminds you that he could die at any moment. And I know he’s not really exaggerating but still it makes him sound like a drama queen. I just hope he’s not like that in real life:
“I’m gonna pick up these scissors and walk briskly into the kitchen with them. At this point, I should warn you that if I make one wrong move, I’m totally gonna die.”
But you know who is a REAL drama queen? Bear Grylls, the star of Man vs Wild. I must admit that I’ve never watched a full episode of his show but I’ve seen enough to know that if you follow any of his advice, you will be dead within minutes. He is obviously a sadistic man hellbent on killing off his audience. If he finds a dead camel in the desert, his first reaction is to curl up inside the carcass for warmth while snacking on the animal’s decaying rectum.
Bear Grylls always goes for the most shocking solution to any problem. In a recent episode of Survivorman, Les had a couple of horses to take care of during his excursion. If Bear Grylls had been in charge of those horses, I am convinced that he would have recommended that his viewers fellate each of them twice a day.
“Horse splooge is highly nourishing but you must remember to alternate between the two horses so that you don’t deplete either of their reserves too quickly.”
I saw the end of one episode where he decided to swim across an ice-cold lake. Really?! So if I ever find myself lost in the wilderness and I come upon a near-freezing body of water, you’re suggesting that I should inflate a sheep bladder for a life preserver, strip down to my underwear, and risk possible hypothermia or more likely drowning by attempting a half-mile swim? On an empty stomach? After not having a good night’s sleep in a week? Are you positive that this really is the best course of action? I probably couldn’t even swim across a heated pool under ideal conditions on a good day, you sick bastard. Bear Grylls should retire before he gets us all killed.