If you are still undecided about the presidential election at this point, kiss my ass. On the eve of what is probably the most historic and significant election in our lifetime, there are douchebags out there who claim to still be undecided. Are you shitting me?
I understand wanting to pick the best person for the job. I understand getting all the facts before you decide. I understand mulling over your choice and weighing all the pros and cons. I even understand deciding to just sit out an election because you’ve had enough. At least that involves making an actual decision. So go ahead and wait until after the last debate to decide. That’s fine. But if you haven’t made up your mind by election eve, I feel like it’s my responsibility as your fellow American to strongly encourage you to go fuck yourself.
Do these people have the same issues with other decisions in their lives? Do they spend half an hour every morning trying to decide between the white shirt and the off-white shirt? Do they ever end up just calling in sick because the staggering variety of shirts in their closets was ultimately just too damn overwhelming? Of course not, they say. Shirts are trivial but picking a president is a very important civic duty in any great democracy.
If it’s so important then why are they waiting until the last minute to decide? Why are they heading into the voting booth not knowing who they are about to pick? What nugget of information are they planning on receiving in those final seconds before they cast their ballots? If they truly are as indecisive as they claim to be, then their choice is basically going to be a last-minute coin toss. And if that’s the case, why bother learning anything about any of the candidates? Why not just go in the booth, close your eyes, and start pulling random levers? What’s the difference?
I blame the media. Every election season, they celebrate the undecided voter. I’m not sure where they find these people but dragging them out into the spotlight only encourages them. They are the reason why the ads are still coming in the mail and clogging up the TV.
As citizens of this great nation, I believe we have certain responsibilities. Voting is one of them. Staying informed is another. But at the top of the list is this: when confronted with an undecided voter in the last week of a campaign season, it is imperative that we kick them in the nuts. Twice, if necessary.