I was gonna write the most awesome post ever today. It was about a paper that Big D wrote at school about his summer vacation. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I can no longer find the paper and it’s not the kind of thing that I can just recreate here. You’d have to see it for yourself in all its glory with Big D’s second-grader handwriting and misspelled state names and awesomeness and warts and all to truly appreciate it. I’m blaming the wife. She probably threw it out when she was cleaning the house. Stupid sparkly clean house.
So then I was gonna write about the wife’s shitty first day of school. More specifically, I was gonna write about how she was freaking out because she couldn’t get her books and the school’s server was down so she couldn’t log in to her classes and yes as a matter of fact it is the end of the world asshole and… then I decided it probably wouldn’t be appropriate to say such things because she would most likely kill me. Stupid will to live.
So then I thought I’d just do one of those lame posts that’s nothing more than a rundown of the things I did today. You know what I’m talking about:
This morning I woke up. After breakfast, I farted twice. Then I went to work. Around noon, I took a healthy dump, ate lunch, and farted three more times. Drove home, two farts, then dinner. Should I see a doctor, internetters? Probably. Should I tell you every minuscule detail of my life? Probably not. I guess I’ll just go to bed now. Oops, there’s another fart. I’m signing off now. The end.*
I thought better of that one as well. Stupid foresight.
So here ya go. This is it. This is all I have for you today. Fart jokes. I’m so sorry.
*Surprisingly enough, this is EXACTLY how my entire day went. I didn’t have to make any of that up.**
**Yes, of course, I’m kidding. That’s not how my day went at all. I only farted seven times today. The eighth one was pure hyperbole.