If you’ve ever happened to click on my About page (I think there’s been about two of you who have), you’re probably aware of the fact that I sure enjoy me some ice creams. This post was inevitable.
Recently, I started noticing that the 1.75 qt ice cream cartons have somehow shrunk down to 1.5 qt. This is not cool. I’m man enough to admit that when the half-gallons were replaced with the 1.75ers, I cried a little. But now this? This is just mean.
I know what you’re thinking. Damn those cheap-ass ice cream carton manufacturers, damn them straight to hell. Slow down. I just can’t believe some giant corporation would ever intentionally try to screw over its loyal, hardworking customers. No way. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for all this. My guess is that the carton factory accidentally made a batch of undersized cartons. I’m not sure how any quality control technician worth his weight in Cookies and Cream could allow such a grievous defect to get out the door, but I’ll bet that sonofabitch was all jazzed up on the dope (yeah, I’m hip to the lingo, young’uns).
But then somehow (the odds of this happening have to be like 1 in a million) the ice cream factory dairy? company didn’t even realize that they had received defective product. I know, WTF, right? Sure, accidents happen. But this is more than just a mere accident. This is CATASTROPHIC SYSTEM FAILURE.
This is the kind of thing that we as Americans must not stand for. They’re messing with our freedoms, people. First, it’s the gas prices. Then it’s the ice cream. The next thing you know, you’ll be getting ass-raped in Gitmo.
So I’m getting involved. I’m writing a letter to all the big ice cream companies and I think you should too. We have to warn them that they’re being ripped off. They’re paying full price for undersized cartons. I just can’t imagine how they must feel. I bet it sucks getting screwed over like that. But, once they realize that they’re shipping their product out in defective cartons, I’m sure they’re gonna feel just awful about the whole situation. Don’t worry, ice cream companies. We will fully support you as you stand up to those evil ice cream carton corporations. God Bless America.