Hey, how ya doin? Yeah, it’s me. That’s right, the guy you were tailgating today. Hey. Um, you’re obviously a douchebag, right? Okay, see, here’s the thing. I know it’s not cool that I didn’t mention this sooner but it turns out I’M A DOUCHEBAG TOO!!! So when you pull up behind me within 3/8 of an inch of my rear bumper when I am doing a perfectly respectable 5-10 mph over the speed limit, I’m gonna be the passive-aggressive prick who slows down to 0-5 mph UNDER the speed limit. And I’m never. even. gonna. touch. my. brakes. So, let’s do the math. Okay, carry the one and voila! Survey says: BACK THE FUCK OFF AND YOU’LL GO 5-15 MPH FASTER. Dumbshit.
P.S. You’re probably also the guy who stays in the lane that’s ending until the last second, finally merging when there is absolutely nowhere else to go, and cutting off a quarter mile of formerly happy motorists. When the terrorists say they want to kill Americans, they’re talking about dicks like you.