Dear Douchebag

Hey, how ya doin?  Yeah, it’s me.  That’s right, the guy you were tailgating today.  Hey.  Um, you’re obviously a douchebag, right?  Okay, see, here’s the thing.  I know it’s not cool that I didn’t mention this sooner but it turns out I’M A DOUCHEBAG TOO!!!  So when you pull up behind me within 3/8 of an inch of my rear bumper when I am doing a perfectly respectable 5-10 mph over the speed limit, I’m gonna be the passive-aggressive prick who slows down to 0-5 mph UNDER the speed limit.  And I’m never. even. gonna. touch. my. brakes.  So, let’s do the math.  Okay, carry the one and voila!  Survey says:  BACK THE FUCK OFF AND YOU’LL GO 5-15 MPH FASTER.  Dumbshit.

Your pal,

The Husband

 

P.S.  You’re probably also the guy who stays in the lane that’s ending until the last second, finally merging when there is absolutely nowhere else to go, and cutting off a quarter mile of formerly happy motorists.  When the terrorists say they want to kill Americans, they’re talking about dicks like you.

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5 Comments

Filed under Rants

5 responses to “Dear Douchebag

  1. I’m pretty sure that guy is married to the woman who just walked right in front of me in line today when I was clearly next to pay. Hoor.

  2. Actually, I keep driving in the shoulder well after the lane ends. This all could have been avoided had you just let me pass.

  3. Middle Man

    I know exactly what you mean. You might enjoy this:

    http://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2008/03/04/close-call/

  4. Ahem.

    Hi.

    It’s me.

    The “guy” who was tailgating you. Yeah, sorry about that. Turns out I’m pretty freaking important and have some pretty freaking important places to go. Step on it next time wouldja!?!

  5. My, oh, my! You sound exactly like me. My mom says I have road rage. I say I just have expectations and expect people the meet them. Time and time again these people drive be crazy, but the other day the pieces fell together. I had a guy riding my bumper and I was doing at least 5 mph over. We crossed a certain county line and I slowed down a bit. Why did I slow down? Because Mr. County Cop LOVES that stretch of road. It widened to 2 lanes and he tries to pass as many cars as he can before the top of the hill and the end of the left lane. Guess who we met coming the other way? You guessed it. It made my day to see the blue lights blare! I couldn’t get out of his way fast enough. I gave a big “BUHWAHAHAHA” as I passed him!

    What is even worse than tailgating and people that wait till the last minute to merge? The person that treats the emergency lane on the interstate like their own personal lane during rush hour.

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