How to Traumatize a Toddler

1.  Tell the child that you’re going to give him a bath.  Make sure that he’s good and excited about bath time.

2.  Get the child undressed, walk to the bathroom, and set the baby down at the door.

3.  Turn your back for 1.2 seconds to get the bathwater started.  During this 1.2 seconds, the child will stand at the doorway and start peeing on the hall carpet.

4.  Dash over to the baby in order to scoop him up and toss him into the bathtub in a futile attempt to quickly defuse the situation.

5.  Make sure that you don’t spot the pee puddle that’s spread onto the linoleum.  This is a very important step.  It will not be nearly as traumatic if you skip this step.

6.  Slip in the puddle, arms flailing wildly.

7.  Bowl the child over like an overweight baseball player trying to take out the catcher as he slides into home plate. 

8.  Be sure to land squarely in the puddle.  If you don’t require a change of pants and underwear, then you did not perform this step correctly.

9.  Try in vain to console the child.  Tell him that you really weren’t knocking him down to punish him for peeing on the floor.  Don’t expect him to believe you.

If you carefully follow all of these instructions, you too can have a traumatized toddler in no time.  With any luck, your child will stop crying within a matter of days.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “How to Traumatize a Toddler

  1. This is great! Happened to see click on your blog from dooce and this made me laugh.

  2. Ha! I’ve often wondered what I would do to spend time with my child when she gets older… Sounds perfect!

  3. Oh, I needed a laugh today! Thank you for the great story. Our infant enjoys taking care of business during diaper changes…Kids are never a dull moment.

  4. The creepiest part, this happened to me today, only it wasn’t just pee.

  5. This is hilarious!! My toddler blames me for the mess he made on the floor all the time 🙂

  6. Oh my…it has been a while since I’ve had one of those days…and trust me we did have plenty of those kind of days and my kids were traumatized plenty good. They are in positions of power now that they are grown. Reckon there is any connection there?

  7. slashbe

    ROFL! Excellent. And don’t worry. When they get older they wont remember anything before says age 3. So you’re good til then.

  8. Oh, that’s so …. well, I… I mean …

    Dude, I’m sorry!

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