1. Tell the child that you’re going to give him a bath. Make sure that he’s good and excited about bath time.
2. Get the child undressed, walk to the bathroom, and set the baby down at the door.
3. Turn your back for 1.2 seconds to get the bathwater started. During this 1.2 seconds, the child will stand at the doorway and start peeing on the hall carpet.
4. Dash over to the baby in order to scoop him up and toss him into the bathtub in a futile attempt to quickly defuse the situation.
5. Make sure that you don’t spot the pee puddle that’s spread onto the linoleum. This is a very important step. It will not be nearly as traumatic if you skip this step.
6. Slip in the puddle, arms flailing wildly.
7. Bowl the child over like an overweight baseball player trying to take out the catcher as he slides into home plate.
8. Be sure to land squarely in the puddle. If you don’t require a change of pants and underwear, then you did not perform this step correctly.
9. Try in vain to console the child. Tell him that you really weren’t knocking him down to punish him for peeing on the floor. Don’t expect him to believe you.
If you carefully follow all of these instructions, you too can have a traumatized toddler in no time. With any luck, your child will stop crying within a matter of days.