Helpful advice for teaching a 7-year-old to shower

  1. Be prepared.  Swimming trunks are essential.  An umbrella is a useful tool to keep handy also.
  2. Be helpful.  Ask your child repeatedly to close his eyes and mouth when washing his hair.  Your child will invariably ignore your requests, get shampoo in his eyes, and emit ear-shattering screams anyway, but you’ll feel better about yourself for warning him in advance.
  3. Be assertive.  It’s probably not a good idea to yell at the child to stand under the goddamn water…but it’s worth a shot.
  4. Pick your battles.  As long as your child has a clean face and hands, most people won’t notice that his hair has flakes the size of dimes from not properly rinsing out the shampoo.
  5. Know your enemy.  Kids are wily.  They want you to fail and will stop at nothing to see to it that you wind up lying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position mumbling unintelligibly.
  6. Bring reinforcements.  You can utilize the extra person to double-team the child or they can act as your replacement once you have your nervous breakdown.  Although this gives you a raw numerical advantage, it also has the drawback of tipping off the child beforehand.  Your child will sense that some shit is about to go down and will be sure to bring his A game.
  7. Hang in there.  Although it’s rough going at first, your child will actually be looking forward to showering in no time.  Like 8-10 weeks, tops.
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