Fact and Opinion-Doggystyle

1.  So yeah we got a dog.  The kids are thrilled.  They love it when he “gives them hugs” which is a polite way of saying “feverishly humps them.”  A couple nights ago, as Big D was getting pounded, he screamed, “Oscar loves giving me hugs!”  And then Smella chimed in, “I want a hug next, Oscard!”  It’s hard to teach them that hugs are a bad thing when they’re literally begging for it.

2.  Although Oscar’s favorite hug recipients are the kids, if there aren’t any available he will gladly nail their stuffed animals.  Tonight I saw him doing it doggystyle with a gorilla.  I was all like, “Yo, dog.  Cut it out.”  I’m pretty sure that’s never going to get old.

3.  The poor cat.  She’s gonna have a stroke if she doesn’t calm down.  She had already started hiding in our bedroom until the kids would go to bed.  Now she doesn’t come out until we crate him when we go to bed.  She loathes him and the sad part is that he is completely oblivious.  If they happen to see each other, she immediately starts hissing and he just stands there wondering if she’d like to play.  After all, he just wants to be friends.  With occasional benefits.

4.  The last time I had a dog for a pet was when I was a kid.  I had forgotten just how awesome they really are.

5.  This jarred my memory.

Husband/Wife

H:  I just realized that it takes 7 keystrokes to type the word “it’s” with my T9 turned on.

W:  Ok

H:  WHAT THE FUCK??

H:  How many does it take on your phone?

W:  Four. Why did you curse at me?

H:  But it only takes 3 to type “its”

H:  Because 7 is way too many

W:  You’re a dumb dumb though

H:  I think I’m just gonna use “its” from now on

W:  Good to know

H:  And i know its gonna annoy the shit outta you. Thats all

W:  You do anyway buddy.

H:  Good to know

H:  Its annoying isnt it?

Your tax dollars at work

For the record, when I said in this post:

“The next thing you know, you’ll be getting ass-raped in Gitmo”

I was joking.  It was supposed to be hyperbole, not a report on actual procedures used during the Bush administration.  Fucking amazing.

Fact and Opinion

1.  Apparently, Kelly wants to start some kind of blog war, but I’m not biting.

2.  So now they’ve arrested eight people because Michael Phelps smoked pot.  And Kellogg’s has dropped him.  So I guess that anyone who has smoked pot is not qualified to endorse Kellogg’s?  For instance, there are several American presidents who are not good enough for Kellogg’s.  I think they’re saying that they have higher standards than the American voter.  I’m pretty sure that’s a blatant insult to all Americans.

3.  I knew there was something not right about giraffes.  I just didn’t know how evil they really are.

4.  Why can’t the banks forgive a dollar of a taxpayer’s credit card, mortgage, or other debt for every dollar they receive in bailout funds?  Or even a dime for every dollar?  A penny?  Work with us here, guys.

5.  The best part of the weather warming up enough to melt the foot of snow we had here in Indianapolis?  Driving without wearing a coat.  I’m pretty sure it’s the best thing ever.

I’m sorry this ends up sounding like a persuasive/argument paper for a high school English class

When I was 18, I bought my first car.  It was a piece of shit but I didn’t know it at the time.  In hindsight, I guess the $500 price should have tipped me off.  But I was 18.  And it was my first car.  Did I mention it had four tires and an engine?  Obviously, I had stumbled upon a once-in-a-lifetime deal.

A few weeks after the purchase, I discovered that my sweet little bargain was actually the piece of shit everyone else already knew it was.  It happened about half a mile from my house.  I had just left and was driving down a narrow dirt road when the accelerator got stuck.  The engine revved up to rod-throwing levels and I was absolutely scared shitless.  As soon as I realized what was happening, I quickly put the car in neutral.  After pumping the gas pedal a few times, it unstuck itself and everything was fine.  Luckily, it never happened again.

So that was a cute little story.  Here’s the part where I piss some people off.

Yesterday, on the northeast side of Indianapolis, an 80-year-old driver had a wreck:

IFD says Feeney was leaving a hair salon when she veered back towards the salon building, shearing the gas meter and striking the building.  From that point, Feeney drove through a bush, hit a fence, turned her car and hit four cars on her way out of the parking lot.

Feeney then drove across Ferguson Ave. and struck DEA Inc., an architecture firm across the street.  According to the report, Feeney backed up but went forward, hitting the house for a second time and striking two additional vehicles on Ferguson.

In case you lost count, that’s a hair salon, an architecture firm (twice), six cars, a gas meter, a bush, and a fence.  Amazingly, nobody was injured.

Of course, the driver claimed that her accelerator got stuck.  I’m not sure I believe that and even if I did, I still think that’s way more damage than was necessary in that situation.

I know it’s a touchy subject but there really should be a law addressing this a little better than the one Indiana now has that requires drivers 75 and over to renew their licenses every three years instead of every four.  And I know that some people get offended when you question their driving ability (because I’m one of them).  And there’s the age discrimination issue.  But we place all kinds of restrictions on teen drivers so why aren’t we admitting the truth when it comes to elderly drivers?

The irony of it all

I saw this commercial for the first time last night.

Mmmmmkay.  If you couldn’t read the small print, it said “What has weed done for you?”  Let’s break this down a little.

“I stole from my little sister.”

Believe it or not, potheads don’t typically steal to buy weed.  Sure it’s possible this has happened at some point in the history of the world, but people have stolen to get all kinds of stuff.  Like shoes.  Or Legos.  Or iPods.  I think what they’ve done is confused pot with crack.  And just in case you’re wondering, I’ve never heard of anyone sucking a dick to support their pot habit either.

“I got straight D’s.”

Why didn’t they have anyone on that got straight A’s?  I know smokers who have done that.  Also, there are people who have never even lit up once that get straight D’s.  Should we outlaw stupid people?

“I left my ex-girlfriend 27 messages last night.”

This time they got pot confused with alcohol.  It’s called drunk dialing.  We’ve all been there.

“I made my mother cry.”

Your mom needs to get out more.  “I made my mother high” is a more likely scenario anyway.

“I let people draw on me.”

I would guess that you got drunk and passed out if you let people draw on you, but for the sake of argument let’s pretend you were stoned instead.  You provided your friends with a few minutes of quality entertainment.  Yeah? So?  That’s actually pretty cool of you.  I bet your friends think you’re awesome.

“I ditched my friends and let them find their own way home.”

Riiiiight.  Potheads are notorious for abandoning their friends and being pretty damn unfriendly all around.  It was at this point that I knew this couldn’t be an anti-alcohol PSA because then it would say “I gave my friends a ride and we crashed and then we all died.”

Fact and Opinion-Inauguration Edition

1.  I’m not sure which sounds better:  President Barack Obama or former President George W. Bush.

2.  I watched the inauguration on cnn.com with a couple of my coworkers.  We saw Joe Biden get sworn in and Aretha Franklin and everything was going fine until about two minutes before Obama was to be sworn in and then the video started hanging up so we missed the actual swearing-in and ended up listening to the inaugural address on the radio.  My favorite line of the address:  “We reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.”  Amen.

3.  I thought about how different awful yesterday (and the next four years) would have been if John McCain had won the election.  I imagined Sarah Palin up there taking the oath of office.  The image in my head was of her finishing up the oath with “So help me god” and then immediately turning her head to the crowd and giving them a quick wink.  Shudder.

4.  I think Obama will be a very good president.  Sure, he’ll always be remembered as the first black president but he seems very levelheaded and he has big ideas and it wouldn’t surprise me if he turns out to be one of the great presidents.

5.  Is it just me or did Bush use the phrase “no terrorist attacks on American soil since September 11″ an awful lot in his exit interviews?  Nevermind all the dead soldiers.  They died in Iraq so it doesn’t count.  And what about the DC snipers?  I bet DC residents felt a bit terrorized when that was going on.  I’m going to stop now.